How to Avoid Arguments During a Renovation

Many arguments start because there’s a disagreement on a decision that needs to be made. Well, if you’re planning a major renovation or new construction project you’ll be making constant, big, and sometimes very expensive decisions. So understandably, there is potential for strain on a the relationship. The design and construction process can be exciting experiences, but not if you’re arguing with your partner the entire time. 

Discuss what’s most important to each of you 

We always discuss top priorities during our design consultations, since wishlist items will drive the entire project. What’s most important to you might not be the most important thing for your partner. I find that developing a list of your top three priorities can lead to some productive conversations. 

We work with a lot of couples and I’ve noticed that the ones that argue the least communicate their wishlist and needs most clearly, not only to myself and the design team, but also to each other. The worst is when we’re doing a walkthrough and one person mentions that they’d like to include a particular design element, and the other person says, “wait, we never discussed that.” Lack of communication can make a project much more complicated than it needs to be. You don’t want your partner to feel blindsided. Renovations have enough surprises as it is. 

I’ve also observed that couples that squabble less are mostly on the same page or are willing to compromise. However, each usually has one or two things that they feel will make or break the design for them. For example, we worked on a renovation a few years ago where the husband and wife were on the same page with most decisions or in some cases, one of them didn’t really have a strong opinion either way. But the husband specifically said that he just wanted a really big stainless steel sink with workstation inserts. His spouse was perfectly fine with this. On the other hand, the wife really wanted a bold wallpaper in the powder room. We could tell he wasn’t so excited about this, but it wasn’t the end of the world for him either. That’s how they compromised—each gave the other what they really wanted. 

Prioritize Being Present for Major Meetings

We actually require that if a client is part of a couple that they both be present during our design presentations and all contractor walkthroughs to avoid major miscommunications.

From a design standpoint, we need to make sure that the proposed improvements will make both of your lives better. We don’t want to make any assumptions, and we definitely don’t want anyone to be shocked by the final design. 

Attending contractor walkthroughs is just as important. I always have opinions on which contractor may be the best fit for your project, but ultimately it’s the homeowners decision since they’d be contracted directly with the contractor. If you’re part of a couple, you both need to generally like and get along with the contractor, because they are going to be in your life for a minimum of 6 weeks. I don’t like that it needs to be said, but if you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship, you should be present to ensure that all prospective contractors demonstrate the same level of respect as they would for their male counterparts—if they don’t, they have no business working in your home. 

Talk Budget 

Oftentimes, the client’s wishlist doesn’t match their budget. So you’ll need to discuss with your partner how much you’re willing to spend to get what you want. Anticipate making some concessions. If you have your priorities laid out ahead of time as discussed earlier, it’s a lot easier to make quick financial decisions when you're in the midst of the design process or troubleshooting an unforeseen issue during construction.

Our design process is set up so that our presentations are holistic—they include all the visuals AND interior product pricing. That makes it a lot easier for our clients to make informed decisions. We can start with the wishlist (which is almost always over budget), but that allows you to see the potential of the spaces and step it back from a budget standpoint during refinement.

If you ultimately decide that some wishlist items just aren’t feasible from a financial standpoint, then the design and scope will need to get scaled back. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s better you do that now than in the middle of construction. 

Live elsewhere during construction

If it’s within your budget, I highly recommend living somewhere else during a major renovation. Especially if you’re renovating multiple rooms, the only full bathroom, or if there are children and/or pets living in the home. Depending on the scope of work and the size of the home or building, construction can heavily intrude on your day to day and some homeowners can’t handle the stress. Construction is loud, messy and has the potential to feel very invasive. 

If living elsewhere during the entire renovation isn’t feasible, consider staying with family, at a hotel, or taking a vacation at least during demolition and framing. Those phases of the project tend to be the loudest and most stressful. If you’re getting a full bathroom renovated and it’s the only one in the home, you’ll need to stay somewhere else. A typical bathroom renovation takes about 6-8 weeks to complete. 

It Takes Practice

As with any major team project, it requires a lot of give and take. I find that the couples that argue the least have been married at least 10-15 years. I can usually tell how long a couple has been married by how well they communicate and/or how they react when their partner disagrees with them. The couples that have the best design and construction experience know they’re on the same team and don’t get offended when the other is honest with them in a kind manner. It’s so rewarding to work on projects where we know the end result will allow them to enjoy time spent in their home even more.

Final Thoughts

If you’re on the fence about whether or not your relationship can handle a renovation, do a trial ru. Start with attending an ‘Ask the Designer’ live Zoom together. It’s an opportunity to ask renovation questions as a couple without the pressure of a looming construction deadline. I can also provide some tips on which decisions to start with that will make other choices much easier.